Hidden Blessings

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Hello!

So what do I have to say about this final fall semester of my undergraduate life? Well, essentially what I want to say is that it feels absolutely amazing. You don’t realize when or feel the gradual change but one day it just hits you. That you’ve become everything you wanted to be, the realest most authentic polished version of yourself. You catch yourself in moments doing things and take a step back and think wow that’s what I’ve wanted myself to be like. It’s like your whole life you’ve been climbing this mountain and this semester you realize, oh my god, when did I reach the summit, I’m actually sitting down and enjoying the view that I always wanted.

I’m naturally a yielding person, but I’ve finally seen the change inside me, where I try more to push for what I want. Moreover, as much as I always loved my college friends, I kept them as my college friends. Finally now, I’ve opened myself to the idea that they’re not my college best friends but simply one of my best friends.

These changes within me I realize are the hidden blessings that would not have existed had it not been for the low points in this semester:

  1. My roommate since freshman year of college left me.

The day before my first day of senior year, I was hit with the news that my roommate was transferring schools. She was the longest person I had ever lived with. Even with 11th and 12th grade boarding school, I had a different roommate for each year. But my college roommate… we started college together, and this was going to be our fourth year living together. We’ve had so many memories and adventures since the first year of college, and I thought we’d have the cinematic moment where we graduate together in the spring.

For an extrovert like myself, living alone was something I had never done nor planned to ever really do.

The first months were kind of rough. I seemed okay on the outside, but I felt this depressing black hole inside me. I never realized how much of my daily life she was a part of. The first few days I came back to my apartment, I genuinely felt like I would see her in my living room, watching TV, telling me it was all a prank or she changed her mind. Going to the library was depressing because I never realized how often we went together.

It’s interesting because this event paralleled another unexpected big event in my life, when my favorite NBA player, Russell Westbrook, left the Thunder after 11 years.

And so truly the epitome of it all was a night in September, when I was sitting on my bed on my laptop, and the summer news of Westbrook leaving started to sink in. I started watching videos of him, and the next thing I knew, I was bawling. All alone in my apartment sitting on my bed. My best friend happened to Facetime me at the same time, and I remember answering, “Oh don’t worry I’m fine, I’m just crying over Russell Westbrook”.

Looking back at it, I think it was more than Russell Westbrook. It was the fact that the constants in my life were gone. Just like the Thunder roster, college friendships fluctuated every semester, but like Westbrook, my roommate was the one constant through everything, and now she was gone.

But like I said, hidden blessings. I remember coming to my apartment after labor day weekend, and realizing everything from the kitchen was missing because she had moved out all her stuff. Living alone has probably been one of my biggest growing experiences and a factor in the change I finally see in myself. By organizing and running my apartment exactly the way I want it, and finally being forced to face my own thoughts and feelings, living alone was the final push I needed to become the best version of me.

2. Having to give up on a friendship I realize was one-sided.

This was also a hurting part of my semester that once again you couldn’t tell from the surface; seeing a college friend of multiple years drift away unnecessarily. This whole semester’s friendship was filled with reaching out and being rejected, or only reconnecting by chance encounters. It was filled with me trying a lot, me making excuses that it’s just their personality, but at the end of the day, I just wasn’t getting much out of the friendship, a sad truth to face. I’ve always had a mental list of the friends I plan to write a graduating departing letter to at the end of the year, appreciating how they’ve impacted me throughout college, and with great difficulty I had to erase a name this semester. But that’s life.

Now with the hidden blessings. This experience if anything has strengthened literally every other friendship of mine, because I found myself appreciating all the love, care, and respect I receive from other friends so much more than before. I found myself respecting and valuing individuals so much more. I started focusing more on strengthening friendships that made me so happy instead of taking them for granted as I sometimes tended to do. I think this experience was the final push I needed that made my best friends in college grow into becoming some of my best friends for life.

A lengthy blog today I apologize. The truth is, I originally intended to simply blog about how amazing this semester has been. It was supposed to be a post of reassurance saying roughly: Don’t worry, the day definitely comes when you become so satisfied with who you are! I don’t how it happens or what it takes, but it just happens randomly somehow don’t worry!  

I realize now, that’s not the case. It’s these low points in your life, that only you alone can feel, that majority can’t see, that are gifts from God that help you grow and flourish into what you want to be. And so, I’m ever so grateful for everything playing out exactly how it did this semester.

Happy holidays! See you in 2020 🙂

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